May 16, 2022
With Terri Cole, Author, Therapist, and Relationship Expert
Proper communication and maintaining realistic expectations are critical elements of healthy relationships. When both parties openly discuss their expectations of each other, misunderstandings can be avoided. These discussions can also provide the opportunity to establish personal boundaries. A personal boundary is “drawing a line in the sand” by indicating to another person they may have crossed a line with you and their behavior is unacceptable. The dictionary defines the word boundary as “guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.” Being able to speak up for ourselves to let others know when their behavior offends us is a sign of good self-care.
A repeated failure to speak up could lead to resentment and might ultimately harm or even destroy a relationship. Note that it is entirely up to us to determine what is and what is not acceptable behavior. By the same token, when we set a boundary based upon someone else’s actions, it is also up to us to decide how we will respond if that boundary is violated. A boundary can only be enforced with actions that we take ourselves. Trying to enforce a boundary by dictating that the other person does something doesn’t work. We have to be the ones responsible for taking that action.
Last year, Florine interviewed New York-based psychotherapist and relationship expert Terri Cole. Her recent book, Boundary Boss, provides proven strategies on how to set and maintain healthy boundaries in all areas of life whether it’s at work or in our personal relationships.
What You’ll Hear on This Episode:
- What does it mean to be a “Boundary Boss”?
- Why is it so important to establish boundaries?
- Can confrontation be healthy?
- How can you create new boundaries in an established relationship?
- Why is it so very difficult to say, “No”?
- How can we still say “yes” to things without over-committing?
- Why is accepting rejection a healthy boundary?
- What are power pauses?
- How boundaries vary within different power differentials.
- The importance of specificity and transparency with boundaries.
- Why is gratitude so essential?
Today’s Takeaway: We’re often taught, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” The message is clear: Don’t complain and go along to get along! But healthy relationships are a two-way street and require boundaries. It’s not okay for one person to always be the giver in the relationship, and it’s important for both people to get their needs met. If you’re constantly putting someone else’s feelings ahead of your own, there’s less room in that relationship for YOU. Keeping silent about your needs just to avoid confrontation isn’t healthy and can lead to resentment. This is when relationships can break down. I know when I prioritize the things that are important to me and speak up, I feel better. Remember that every single day is a gift and treat yourself as you would your best friend. When you stand firm and honor your feelings, you’re on your way to becoming your very own Boundary Boss! I’m Florine Mark and that’s “Today’s Takeaway.”
Quotes:
- “Is saying ‘Yes’ when you want to say ‘No’ being nice? No. It is not. It is being dishonest.” — Terri
- “As women, most of us were raised and praised to be self-abandoning codependents.” — Terri
- “By keeping the peace, you start a war within yourself.” — Terri
- “Why are we so afraid to have a conflict?” — Terri
- “We have a right to negotiate for our preferences, our desires.” — Terri
- “You are not that fragile. They are not that fragile.” — Terri
- “If you’re not constantly filling conversations with a wall of words that are between you and the other person, then it invites the other person to bring more of themselves.” — Terri
- “There is a better way of living your life with healthy boundaries because it deepens the intimacy in your relationships.” — Terri
- “Many lives are built on checking boxes but not sort of authentically doing what is your heart’s desire or not expressing something if you think that someone else won’t like it.” — Terri
- “To be a boundary boss definitely doesn’t mean that you need to be mean or rejecting.”— Terri
- “It’s not all about saying no. Being a boundary boss means you can communicate in this way with ease and grace.” — Terri
- “You have to decide. Are you going to be someone who keeps their word and represents yourself honestly as to how you feel?” — Terri
- “When you learn the skills, you’re way less threatened by doing it.” — Terri
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Exclusive Boundary Boss Offer for Today’s Takeaway Listeners!